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“Laughing is an Instant Vacation”

Published February 26, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

-Quote is cited from Brainyquotes.com written by Milton Berle-

Computer in hand, headphones in, eyes closed while my fingers are just typing away with a smile on my face. You are probably wondering why am I sitting here with a smile on my face at 12:00pm EST and well the answer is simple.

The way you walked

The way you smelled

The way you talked

You had me at the first Hello

You accept me

You care about me

You understand me

you had me at the first Hello

Most of all you make me laugh

You make my heart skip a beat

You make my tummy turn in knots

You make my mind think

I love you

I love you to the moon and back

I love you to the moon and back Zachary

“Becoming who I am today”

Published February 12, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

strong person but

My life

My life was never an easy course, It isn’t a life that is perfect, but it also isn’t bad.

I had many struggles and hurdles to get through and I’ve tried time and time again to write them down in a journal, blog or even on a status, however, I never seem to hit the post button.

Today is going to be the day that I finally post my thoughts, feelings, and emotions on paper. It’s time I say the things that no one has heard me say for I didn’t want to look weak.

My mom didn’t have a perfect job when I was younger but it was a job and it put food on our table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our back. This didn’t keep kids at school from calling me names and making fun of me because my mother worked as a bartender at a strip club in our local town. I had classmates mom’s tell me their kids couldn’t play with me because my mother worked at a strip club and I wasn’t allowed to talk to them.

I went through many things as a child including being raped, molested, verbally abused (by students) and shut out. I got to a point that I started doing things like running away, smoking cigarettes, and fighting my parents to gain attention at a very young age.

My mother and father both were always there for me and even thou I didn’t believe them soon down the road in my adulthood; I’d find myself thanking them and telling them sorry about 100 times.

We moved to a small town after I had been sexually assaulted for my parents wanted to get me away from all the things that would remind me of it and get me away from the negative things in my life. For instances the students, environment, and feeling of being shut out. I was moved to a place of where I knew NO ONE. Now most kids would be angry about it, be annoyed and pissed off to the max but instead, I was slightly annoyed but at the same time relieved.

I had a chance for a fresh start, a new beginning and the start of new friendships. I walked into school that first year there as a sophomore in high-school and walked in with a smile on my face, my favorite shirt and my Etnies with pink and black shoe laces. I stopped in the doorway and looked through seeing all the students walking to people they new and catching up after the summer and I wanted to be a part of that. To my surprise, I was tapped on the shoulder and people started introducing themselves and saying hi to me. I headed to my first class and my new beginning finally begun. I had many friends the first year, more than I can count on my hands or thought would be possible. I was considered semi-popular in that school and I was enjoying it.

Then my life changed again even thou I didn’t know it. I met him. His name was Larry. Thou I didn’t know that at first, I had no idea what his name was. All I know is I was standing in the lobby with a bunch of friends and he was outside with another kid and he had just punched him in the face. The cops were called and he was brought back inside. I was like “Who’s that?” I later saw him in the hallway so I approached him and said hello. We eventually got together. He cheated on me twice but I stayed with him for 5 years despite his unfaithfulness. 4 months of that was spent in a hospital and 6 months was spent in a lie and another 2 years spent as a bigger lie but the rest was true.

I thought I was in love. By the end of this blog, you will see I was completely wrong and you’ll see how my life took a turn for the worse.

I woke up one night to an awful sound. Larry was puking in the bathroom and said that he thought he needed to go to the hospital. At first, I said “you are fine, go lay down” but he was never sick like this. I gave it about 20 mins before I started to really question things that and it was so early we were tired, finally, I told him to get in the car. We went to the ER and everything changed.

I found myself making phone calls to his family after 2 hours of arriving. Larry had stopped breathing and was put on oxygen and his blood pressure was through the roof. They didn’t know what was wrong. They eventually had to fly him to Boston MA for medical care. His heart stopped for 50 mins and none of us knew if he was gonna live. The doctors were telling us that if he does he has a high chance of being a vegetable. I had faith that he’d be fine. It took me till his heart stopping before I finally broke down in tears. Not because I’m heartless just because I finally left the shocked stage and entered the hurting/scared stage. After his family and I got to the hospital I started to get treated like crap. I was called many names such as a “Bitch”, “Cunt”, “You gave him a Tumor” Yes someone being his mother said that to me. Turned out he had a tumor on his kidney which was causing everything that was going on. This woman wouldn’t let me in the room with him alone barely at all, I had to fight for visitation.

I will say all the anger towards me wasn’t because I did something wrong, actually no one knows why they acted like that. I have my theories, but that’s for a different day. I did have a nurse tell me I requested to not allow his mother in the room during a meeting with the doctors according to one of the other family members (His grandmother).  I was also told that I locked her out and wouldn’t let her in the room, which again untrue. She was mad also because I was talking to Larry’s dad. For apparently I was supposed to ignore him. Okay, I understand the two barely talked but he’s the man’s father for goodness sake and his father kept me sane when he was at the hospital in Boston.

I continued to get called names and blamed for his condition even when I returned to Maine. I would get threatening phone calls and voice-mails. I couldn’t handle it anymore I broke down. I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out on my arrival to Maine. I luckily had two friends with me and they both made sure I was fine and stayed until they knew I would be as okay as I could at the time. I dealt with the hatefulness for 4 months and I cried that whole 4 months, I was torn apart, ripped down and sawed off. He finally got okayed to fly back to Maine and had arrived at our local hospital. I wanted to see him as soon as he got there and was told I could and then all of a sudden he told me not to come. I wasn’t aloud to go see him. I wasn’t aloud in his room. I was to stay home. I was to sit.

I was finally able to visit him the day after his arrival to the hospital back in Maine. I brought him some things he wanted. His parents weren’t there when I showed up. I let him listen to all the voice-mails I had been receiving and he deleted them and told me to ignore if anymore came through. The hospital wanted to release him in someones care and he had a choice and wanted to come home with me. When he told his parents that, they talked him into going with them and then finally right before release he said no i’m going with her. Then they started blaming me for pulling him away from them and blah blah.

When he arrived home the harassment never stopped till he told them off and then he cried for two days. Thing were normal for a few months and I helped him with his Rehab and helped get him back to 100%. I paid all his bills and my bills and carted him around everywhere. I was so happy to have him back. Then he calls me at work saying “We need to talk”

I got home and he told me he no longer loved me. He didn’t want me in his life any more.

I knew why. (**so I thought**)

He loved the girl at work.

The girl that knew how much he meant to me. The girl that would call and check on me while he was sick.

We broke up. (**He later told me, he never loved me, he used me)

We stayed living together for another 10ish months

He started smoking cigarettes to impress her, started drinking to impress her and even started smoking weed because the rest of us in the house were to also impress her, He’d drink my NyQuil from the bottle and act like he didn’t do it, even after he was caught.

He would come to me whining because she wouldn’t leave her husband for him.

He’d bring her home after they got togeter, he’d flaunt her in front of me, whether on purpose or not.

Everything before this was bad and I was already in pieces and then this. I broke. I took a turn.

I was torn to pieces

I was punched in the gut

I was in a world that was so far away from reality.

I quit school, I started smoking weed heavily, I quit my job because of work issues and because I just didn’t want to go, I did things I’m not proud of.

Then. My mother and father started helping me

Then. My friends started to try to help me

Then. I met Zach (keep reading)

A light clicked on and I told myself “I’m strong” I went through HELL and back the last 10 years and especially the last 5. You know what I’m better then that. I had my last outing which was my birthday party. My last drink. My last anything and I was putting my life back on track.

I can safely say I did that. I met Zach at my party and I’m now a happy mother of a beautiful girl and have a FANTASTIC husband who means more to me then anyone in this world and yes even more then Larry did.

I may be strong, I may not cry often, I may screw up, I may make mistakes, I may say things I don’t mean and people may misunderstand me. But two facts are true.

Zach knows who I am and everything I’ve gone through, He loves me for real, He’d never let anyone do what those people did to me and he will always be with me NO matter what. I’m scared daily that Zach will someday get sick but I know one important thing. Zach, will love me through all hurtles life throws at us and he will always believe me and our Love is true from day one 🙂

I’m no longer the person I was. I’m clean. I’m back in school. I have a okay job and I’m happy!

There are times I’ll still find my self crying about everything that happened in my life and the things I went through. However, I don’t want to change any of it. For with out It, I  wouldn’t be the women, mother or wife that I am today. I wouldn’t of made the mistakes that helped build who I am.

There is one saying that I’ve lived by since then and it’s true.

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

This blog is all over the place if you have a question ask. Writing this is one of the hardest things I’ve done. One of the things that I’ve never been able to do. I already feel like a million things have been lifted. I needed to write it down and I couldn’t.

Now I have my Strength back and I have gained Courage.

I’m living MY life, I’m whole again, I’m “Me”

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“Strength”

Published January 19, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

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Strength = a good or beneficial quality or attribute of a person or thing

We all go through life having things happen to us where we need strength to get through it and become a stronger person because of it. I have gone through a world of things in my life so far and i’m only 25.  In the comments section tell me a story of when you needed strength weather it big or small.

Neighbors

Published December 22, 2014 by kairikainfsb3

When you move into a new place you get all excited because you have new space to fill. You go shopping, arrange and rearrange till you sit on the couch and go “Yep, this is it”. Then, you hear a knock on your door. Who could it be? Did you forget you invited someone over? You go up to the door, turn the knob and find your self-staring into the eyes of a stranger.

Having neighbors can be good or bad depending on the neighbor. In some of my cases, I have dealt with more good than bad neighbors. I live in a somewhat quite area with many apartments. Most my neighbors are fabulous but a few others are not. There’s one who lives diagonally from us and she never looks before backing out of her driveway and I can no longer count how many times she’s almost hit me. Someone should buy this woman one of those cars that have the backup camera.

My other neighbor just moved in and so far I’m not too keen on having them as neighbors and its only winter and only been a month. I’m almost scared of summer coming for I don’t know if I want them outside. They look like your typical trailer park type people. You want to tell them to buy new clothes, take a shower and take care of themselves. You know they smoke a lot for they have the smokers voice with that dreadful cough/laugh. I have seen them hanging out Hannaford and Walmart’s parking lot for 30 mins or more. Of course, I don’t know why they’d hang out for 30mins in a parking lot but I also really don’t want to know. I guess come summer I will know if my first impressions of them are correct.

Then there are neighbors I use to have; in neighborhoods, I use to live; where you wish they never moved in. Here’s a small list of some.
1. Peeping tom
2. Loud, obnoxious soccer mom who always stands by your windows
3. Yard messers (their yards are so messy it enters your side)
4. Party goers
5. Loud sex machines!
6. Drug dealers/drunks
7. Trailer park trash
8. Gossip queens

Some of these may be awful, rude and down outright judgmental but be honest with yourself, you have thought some of these things and at one point had these people next door.

The question of the blog: your worst neighbor ever?

Relaxed and Happy

Published December 17, 2014 by kairikainfsb3

As I sit on my coach waiting for Friday morning to roll in, I cuddle under my favorite blanket my father got me while he was over seas, a warm mug of Swiss Hot Chocolate and a Laptop on my lap writing my blog. I can’t seem to come up with a way to express my love of writing for every time I start the sentence I end up deleting and saying out loud “No, no bad writing!”

To me it doesn’t matter how many words are put on paper or what the word count on my screen says. True writing comes from the heart and comes in many sizes and varieties. Capturing your readers attention in as little as 5 words give you a sense of connection and understanding. You connect with your readers because what you write about relates to them in some way weather it has to do with their own life or feelings. You as the writer becomes stronger as you continue on your journey as a writer for you begin to learn more and more about what people want and what you as a writer enjoy.

So like I said I can’t seem to come up with a way to express my love of writing so I hope that in my journey of building my blog, I get stronger, better and more confident in my own writing. I don’t edit my writing to an extreme for I believe that editing every nook and cranny of my writing will cause me to second guess my self in each and every sentence I write and therefore cause me to not see writing for what it is. A Passion, A slate, A store

Love and hurt feelings all from a gift

Published December 5, 2014 by kairikainfsb3

I’m laying in bed pondering countless subjects I could write about tonight when I came across “The One”. Yes, ” The One” its almost as if this subject jumped to the frontal portion of my skull screaming *pick me! Pick me!* for it is the season of giving, receiving, and possibly exchanging.

Every Holiday, Birthday, Valentines Day or other occasion where gifts are given I find my self staring at that one dreadful gift with that Fake *Awe, thank you* face. For Example, A Vase with fake flowers, something that seemed to resemble burnt wood chips at the bottom and a design that looks as if it was pulled out of a dumpster behind the neighborhood thrift store. (Even they were like “Hell No” and chucked it) The colors resemble something out of a amatures art portfolio who did not understand the concept of color contrasting. What do I do with this thing? So I bring it home put it in every spot I could find; look at it for a moment each time until finally it finds a home in the closet for the next 4-5years.

What I have came to realize at age 25 after all those years of keeping those gifts I’d never use/open I could return/exchange them at the store they were bought from. Now why I didn’t think of that till I had my Baby Shower and I got doubles, triples of items we wouldn’t use is beyond me. I was able to take the item(s) return it to the store for a Gift Card and purchase something I would use or needed. To me it made more since then the original item sitting in my closet for ever.

However, despite the simple fact that this indeed makes more since you still have that one person who gave you the gift pissed off because you exchanged it. Heaven forbid you have a different taste then them or simply just find you don’t like the item. I mean seriously sit down on your chair, sofa or floor and ask your self before you start to complain “would I want my $10-$20 sit in a closet for many months or years? Or would I prefer them to exchange it for something that they do like or need? I recall having only one person in my 25 years of life annoyed that I said I don’t like something or that I won’t use it and exchanged it. I was called ungrateful and heartless. Pardon me for not wanting your money to sit in my closet and pardon me for being honest for if I were you I rather someone tell me they don’t like it for it helps me learn there likes and dislikes.

Please, remember this Holiday season be honest, loving and happy. Please comment and tell me about the time you maybe returned or didn’t return an item you would not use or didn’t like.