“Becoming who I am today”

Published February 12, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

strong person but

My life

My life was never an easy course, It isn’t a life that is perfect, but it also isn’t bad.

I had many struggles and hurdles to get through and I’ve tried time and time again to write them down in a journal, blog or even on a status, however, I never seem to hit the post button.

Today is going to be the day that I finally post my thoughts, feelings, and emotions on paper. It’s time I say the things that no one has heard me say for I didn’t want to look weak.

My mom didn’t have a perfect job when I was younger but it was a job and it put food on our table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our back. This didn’t keep kids at school from calling me names and making fun of me because my mother worked as a bartender at a strip club in our local town. I had classmates mom’s tell me their kids couldn’t play with me because my mother worked at a strip club and I wasn’t allowed to talk to them.

I went through many things as a child including being raped, molested, verbally abused (by students) and shut out. I got to a point that I started doing things like running away, smoking cigarettes, and fighting my parents to gain attention at a very young age.

My mother and father both were always there for me and even thou I didn’t believe them soon down the road in my adulthood; I’d find myself thanking them and telling them sorry about 100 times.

We moved to a small town after I had been sexually assaulted for my parents wanted to get me away from all the things that would remind me of it and get me away from the negative things in my life. For instances the students, environment, and feeling of being shut out. I was moved to a place of where I knew NO ONE. Now most kids would be angry about it, be annoyed and pissed off to the max but instead, I was slightly annoyed but at the same time relieved.

I had a chance for a fresh start, a new beginning and the start of new friendships. I walked into school that first year there as a sophomore in high-school and walked in with a smile on my face, my favorite shirt and my Etnies with pink and black shoe laces. I stopped in the doorway and looked through seeing all the students walking to people they new and catching up after the summer, I wanted to be a part of that. To my surprise, I was tapped on the shoulder and people started introducing themselves and saying hi to me. I headed to my first class and my new beginning finally begun. I had many friends the first year, more than I can count on my hands or thought would be possible. I was considered semi-popular in that school and I was enjoying it.

Then my life changed again even thou I didn’t know it. I met him. His name was Larry. Thou I didn’t know that at first, I had no idea what his name was. All I know is I was standing in the lobby with a bunch of friends and he was outside with another kid and he had just punched him in the face. The cops were called and he was brought back inside. I was like “Who’s that?” I later saw him in the hallway so I approached him and said hello. We eventually got together. He cheated on me twice but I stayed with him for 5 years despite his unfaithfulness. I also was not perfect myself, sometimes I’d make things up to get back at him for what he did to me. 4 months of the time together was spent in a hospital and 6 months was spent in a lie and another 2 years spent as a bigger lie that I learned later on; but the rest was true.

I thought I was in love. By the end of this blog, you will see I was completely wrong and you’ll see how my life took a turn for the worse.

I woke up one night to an awful sound. Larry was puking in the bathroom and said that he thought he needed to go to the hospital. At first, I said “you are fine, go lay down” but he was never sick like this. I gave it about 20 mins before I started to really question things that and it was so early we were tired, finally, I told him to get in the car. We went to the ER and everything changed.

I found myself making phone calls to his family after 2 hours of arriving. Larry had stopped breathing and was put on oxygen and his blood pressure was through the roof. They didn’t know what was wrong. They eventually had to fly him to Boston MA for medical care. His heart stopped for 50 mins and none of us knew if he was gonna live. The doctors were telling us that if he does he has a high chance of being a vegetable. I had faith that he’d be fine. It took me till his heart stopping before I finally broke down in tears. Not because I’m heartless just because I finally left the shocked stage and entered the hurting/scared stage. After his family and I got to the hospital I started to get treated like crap. I was called many names such as a “Bitch”, “Cunt”, “You gave him a Tumor” Yes someone being his mother said that to me. Turned out he had a tumor on his kidney which was causing everything that was going on. This woman wouldn’t let me in the room with him alone, starting from the moment we arrived, I had to fight for visitation. One nurse apparently was stating I said something I didn’t, the only thing I could think of was she over hear me being sarcastic when I was talking to his dad and took my joke as serious.

I will say all the anger towards me wasn’t because I did something wrong, actually no one knows why they acted like that. I have my theories, but that’s for a different day. I did have a nurse tell me I requested to not allow his mother in the room during a meeting with the doctors according to one of the other family members (His grandmother).  I was also told that I locked her out and wouldn’t let her in the room, which again untrue. She was mad also because I was talking to Larry’s dad. For apparently I was supposed to ignore him. Okay, I understand the two barely talked but he’s the man’s father for goodness sake and his father kept me sane when he was at the hospital in Boston.

I continued to get called names and blamed for his condition even when I returned to Maine. I would get threatening phone calls and voice-mails. I couldn’t handle it anymore I broke down. I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out on my arrival to Maine. I luckily had two friends with me and they both made sure I was fine and stayed until they knew I would be as okay as I could at the time, which was over 24 hours. I dealt with the hatefulness for 4 months and I cried that whole 4 months, I was torn apart, ripped down and sawed off. He finally got okayed to fly back to Maine and had arrived at our local hospital. I wanted to see him as soon as he got there and was told I could and then all of a sudden he told me not to come. I wasn’t aloud to go see him. I wasn’t aloud in his room. I was to stay home. I was to sit.

I was finally able to visit him the day after his arrival to the hospital back in Maine. I brought him some things he wanted. His parents weren’t there when I showed up. I let him listen to all the voice-mails I had been receiving and he deleted them and told me to ignore if anymore came through. The hospital wanted to release him in someones care and he had a choice and wanted to come home with me. When he told his parents that, they talked him into going with them and then finally right before release he said no i’m going with her. Then they started blaming me for pulling him away from them and blah blah.

When he arrived home the harassment never stopped till he told them off and then he cried for two days. Things were normal for a few months and I helped him with his Rehab and helped get him back to 98%. I paid all his bills and my bills and carted him around everywhere. I was so happy to have him back. Then he calls me at work saying “We need to talk”

I got home and he told me he no longer loved me. He didn’t want me in his life any more.

I knew why. (**so I thought**)

He loved the girl at work.

The girl that knew how much he meant to me. The girl that would call and check on me while he was sick.

We broke up. (**He later told me, he never loved me, he used me)

We stayed living together for another 10ish months or something like that.

He started smoking cigarettes to impress her, started drinking to impress her and even started smoking weed because the rest of us in the house were to also impress her, He’d drink my NyQuil from the bottle and act like he didn’t do it, even after he was caught.

He would come to me whining because she wouldn’t leave her husband for him.

He’d bring her home after they got togeter, he’d flaunt her in front of me, whether on purpose or not.

Everything before this was bad and I was already in pieces and then this. I broke. I took a turn.

I was torn to pieces

I was punched in the gut

I was in a world that was so far away from reality.

I quit school, I started smoking weed heavily, I quit my job because of work issues and because I just didn’t want to go, I did things I’m not proud of.

Then. My mother and father started helping me

Then. My friends started to try to help me

Then. I met Zach (keep reading)

A light clicked on and I told myself “I’m strong” I went through HELL and back the last 10 years and especially the last 5. You know what I’m better then that. I had my last outing which was my birthday party. My last drink. My last anything and I was putting my life back on track.

I can safely say I did that. I met Zach at my party and I’m now a happy mother of a beautiful girl and have a FANTASTIC husband who means more to me then anyone in this world and yes even more then Larry did, he will always have a place despite everything that went on because I’m the end I was not perfect either and I’d be a liar if I tried to claim otherwise.

I may be strong, I may not cry often, I may screw up, I may make mistakes, I may say things I don’t mean and people may misunderstand me. But two facts are true.

Zach knows who I am and everything I’ve gone through, He loves me for real, He’d never let anyone do what those people did to me and he will always be with me NO matter what. I’m scared daily that Zach will someday get sick but I know one important thing. Zach, will love me through all hurtles life throws at us and he will always believe me and our Love is true from day one, it’s not a game to be won 🙂

I’m no longer the person I was. I’m clean. I’m back in school. I have an okay job and I’m happy!

There are times I’ll still find my self crying about everything that happened in my life and the things I went through. However, I don’t want to change any of it. For with out It, I  wouldn’t be the women, mother or wife that I am today. I wouldn’t of made the mistakes that helped build who I am.

There is one saying that I’ve lived by since then and it’s true.

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

This blog is all over the place if you have a question ask. Writing this is one of the hardest things I’ve done. One of the things that I’ve never been able to do. I already feel like a million things have been lifted. I needed to write it down and I couldn’t.

Now I have my Strength back and I have gained Courage.

I’m living MY life, I’m whole again, I’m “Me”



3 comments on ““Becoming who I am today”

  • wow Kai… that is a very powerful blog….. I am sorry that you have been thru so much .. I can not imagine living with a guy who brings his girlfriend home… he wouldn’t have any man parts left when I got thru with him…… you have had a lot of really horrible things happen to you….. but you are strong Kai.. and knowing zach the way I do.. he loves you and I can not imagine him ever, ever leaving you and Robin…. he is working hard to make things better for all 3 of you… you may never really feel secure about things in your life.. because going thru the things you have gone thru in your life it is harder to feel secure.. I know that with the way I was raised.. when things got to good in my life instead of embracing the good I ran from it.. because when I was growing up if I ever began to feel good about things in my life, something would happen .. so as a result I do not know how to handle when things are good for me…

    what you have with zach and Robin is such a gift in life… but as I told someone today.. I am not living in the past,, the past is living in me…

    thank you for sharing this … it is not easy to see in writing what has been in your heart for so long…:)

    Liked by 1 person

  • Thank you Terri,
    It has taken me a long time to get this in writing. I had to do it for me, for I was told once “The power of writing itself can help heal many things” and it’s true now that I’ve written it I already feel a weight lifted off my shoulder and when things happen now in the present they don’t remind me so much of the past. Any time someone would start calling me names, or family would start treating me badly i’d be reminded of what happened. Or anytime a friend was hurt sexually it’d remind me of the time I was. I’ve been told I’m strong and I’ve been told many times i’ve gone through and seen more then a 25 year old should by now. The one thing I didn’t mention in the post is when I was about 15ish I saw a guy get shot in the head whom was sitting about 30 feet from me and his 3 year old was sitting next to me. His gun went off while he was cleaning it, I guess he forgot to unload it.

    Zach is an amazing man, I’m very lucky to have found him. Him recently having health issues is what started making me think that I need to write this blog. It reminded me of the things I went through before and how much I love Zach and if he were to get sick I’m be 1000 times more scared, upset, lost and more for I love him a million times more then the person in this article. Zach is my world. Robin is my world.

    I decided to change my life the day before I met Zach and when I did meet him I wanted to change my life even more. Zach is a big reason i’m where I am today. I Love him to infinity.


  • Kai,, you are strong… just the fact that you survived all that happened to you in your short life.. is because you always new that you wanted things different ,,, not many children growing up have any options… they depend on family to take care of them and to look our for their needs,,, but so often life doesn’t happen this way… I am very proud of you and zach for wanting to change the way your lives were growing up and make a better life for Robin…. and for each other…. 🙂


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