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All posts for the month February, 2015

“Laughing is an Instant Vacation”

Published February 26, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

-Quote is cited from Brainyquotes.com written by Milton Berle-

Computer in hand, headphones in, eyes closed while my fingers are just typing away with a smile on my face. You are probably wondering why am I sitting here with a smile on my face at 12:00pm EST and well the answer is simple.

The way you walked

The way you smelled

The way you talked

You had me at the first Hello

You accept me

You care about me

You understand me

you had me at the first Hello

Most of all you make me laugh

You make my heart skip a beat

You make my tummy turn in knots

You make my mind think

I love you

I love you to the moon and back

I love you to the moon and back Zachary

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“Becoming who I am today”

Published February 12, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

strong person but

My life

My life was never an easy course, It isn’t a life that is perfect, but it also isn’t bad.

I had many struggles and hurdles to get through and I’ve tried time and time again to write them down in a journal, blog or even on a status, however, I never seem to hit the post button.

Today is going to be the day that I finally post my thoughts, feelings, and emotions on paper. It’s time I say the things that no one has heard me say for I didn’t want to look weak.

My mom didn’t have a perfect job when I was younger but it was a job and it put food on our table, a roof over our heads and clothes on our back. This didn’t keep kids at school from calling me names and making fun of me because my mother worked as a bartender at a strip club in our local town. I had classmates mom’s tell me their kids couldn’t play with me because my mother worked at a strip club and I wasn’t allowed to talk to them.

I went through many things as a child including being raped, molested, verbally abused (by students) and shut out. I got to a point that I started doing things like running away, smoking cigarettes, and fighting my parents to gain attention at a very young age.

My mother and father both were always there for me and even thou I didn’t believe them soon down the road in my adulthood; I’d find myself thanking them and telling them sorry about 100 times.

We moved to a small town after I had been sexually assaulted for my parents wanted to get me away from all the things that would remind me of it and get me away from the negative things in my life. For instances the students, environment, and feeling of being shut out. I was moved to a place of where I knew NO ONE. Now most kids would be angry about it, be annoyed and pissed off to the max but instead, I was slightly annoyed but at the same time relieved.

I had a chance for a fresh start, a new beginning and the start of new friendships. I walked into school that first year there as a sophomore in high-school and walked in with a smile on my face, my favorite shirt and my Etnies with pink and black shoe laces. I stopped in the doorway and looked through seeing all the students walking to people they new and catching up after the summer and I wanted to be a part of that. To my surprise, I was tapped on the shoulder and people started introducing themselves and saying hi to me. I headed to my first class and my new beginning finally begun. I had many friends the first year, more than I can count on my hands or thought would be possible. I was considered semi-popular in that school and I was enjoying it.

Then my life changed again even thou I didn’t know it. I met him. His name was Larry. Thou I didn’t know that at first, I had no idea what his name was. All I know is I was standing in the lobby with a bunch of friends and he was outside with another kid and he had just punched him in the face. The cops were called and he was brought back inside. I was like “Who’s that?” I later saw him in the hallway so I approached him and said hello. We eventually got together. He cheated on me twice but I stayed with him for 5 years despite his unfaithfulness. 4 months of that was spent in a hospital and 6 months was spent in a lie and another 2 years spent as a bigger lie but the rest was true.

I thought I was in love. By the end of this blog, you will see I was completely wrong and you’ll see how my life took a turn for the worse.

I woke up one night to an awful sound. Larry was puking in the bathroom and said that he thought he needed to go to the hospital. At first, I said “you are fine, go lay down” but he was never sick like this. I gave it about 20 mins before I started to really question things that and it was so early we were tired, finally, I told him to get in the car. We went to the ER and everything changed.

I found myself making phone calls to his family after 2 hours of arriving. Larry had stopped breathing and was put on oxygen and his blood pressure was through the roof. They didn’t know what was wrong. They eventually had to fly him to Boston MA for medical care. His heart stopped for 50 mins and none of us knew if he was gonna live. The doctors were telling us that if he does he has a high chance of being a vegetable. I had faith that he’d be fine. It took me till his heart stopping before I finally broke down in tears. Not because I’m heartless just because I finally left the shocked stage and entered the hurting/scared stage. After his family and I got to the hospital I started to get treated like crap. I was called many names such as a “Bitch”, “Cunt”, “You gave him a Tumor” Yes someone being his mother said that to me. Turned out he had a tumor on his kidney which was causing everything that was going on. This woman wouldn’t let me in the room with him alone barely at all, I had to fight for visitation.

I will say all the anger towards me wasn’t because I did something wrong, actually no one knows why they acted like that. I have my theories, but that’s for a different day. I did have a nurse tell me I requested to not allow his mother in the room during a meeting with the doctors according to one of the other family members (His grandmother).  I was also told that I locked her out and wouldn’t let her in the room, which again untrue. She was mad also because I was talking to Larry’s dad. For apparently I was supposed to ignore him. Okay, I understand the two barely talked but he’s the man’s father for goodness sake and his father kept me sane when he was at the hospital in Boston.

I continued to get called names and blamed for his condition even when I returned to Maine. I would get threatening phone calls and voice-mails. I couldn’t handle it anymore I broke down. I drank a bottle of vodka and passed out on my arrival to Maine. I luckily had two friends with me and they both made sure I was fine and stayed until they knew I would be as okay as I could at the time. I dealt with the hatefulness for 4 months and I cried that whole 4 months, I was torn apart, ripped down and sawed off. He finally got okayed to fly back to Maine and had arrived at our local hospital. I wanted to see him as soon as he got there and was told I could and then all of a sudden he told me not to come. I wasn’t aloud to go see him. I wasn’t aloud in his room. I was to stay home. I was to sit.

I was finally able to visit him the day after his arrival to the hospital back in Maine. I brought him some things he wanted. His parents weren’t there when I showed up. I let him listen to all the voice-mails I had been receiving and he deleted them and told me to ignore if anymore came through. The hospital wanted to release him in someones care and he had a choice and wanted to come home with me. When he told his parents that, they talked him into going with them and then finally right before release he said no i’m going with her. Then they started blaming me for pulling him away from them and blah blah.

When he arrived home the harassment never stopped till he told them off and then he cried for two days. Thing were normal for a few months and I helped him with his Rehab and helped get him back to 100%. I paid all his bills and my bills and carted him around everywhere. I was so happy to have him back. Then he calls me at work saying “We need to talk”

I got home and he told me he no longer loved me. He didn’t want me in his life any more.

I knew why. (**so I thought**)

He loved the girl at work.

The girl that knew how much he meant to me. The girl that would call and check on me while he was sick.

We broke up. (**He later told me, he never loved me, he used me)

We stayed living together for another 10ish months

He started smoking cigarettes to impress her, started drinking to impress her and even started smoking weed because the rest of us in the house were to also impress her, He’d drink my NyQuil from the bottle and act like he didn’t do it, even after he was caught.

He would come to me whining because she wouldn’t leave her husband for him.

He’d bring her home after they got togeter, he’d flaunt her in front of me, whether on purpose or not.

Everything before this was bad and I was already in pieces and then this. I broke. I took a turn.

I was torn to pieces

I was punched in the gut

I was in a world that was so far away from reality.

I quit school, I started smoking weed heavily, I quit my job because of work issues and because I just didn’t want to go, I did things I’m not proud of.

Then. My mother and father started helping me

Then. My friends started to try to help me

Then. I met Zach (keep reading)

A light clicked on and I told myself “I’m strong” I went through HELL and back the last 10 years and especially the last 5. You know what I’m better then that. I had my last outing which was my birthday party. My last drink. My last anything and I was putting my life back on track.

I can safely say I did that. I met Zach at my party and I’m now a happy mother of a beautiful girl and have a FANTASTIC husband who means more to me then anyone in this world and yes even more then Larry did.

I may be strong, I may not cry often, I may screw up, I may make mistakes, I may say things I don’t mean and people may misunderstand me. But two facts are true.

Zach knows who I am and everything I’ve gone through, He loves me for real, He’d never let anyone do what those people did to me and he will always be with me NO matter what. I’m scared daily that Zach will someday get sick but I know one important thing. Zach, will love me through all hurtles life throws at us and he will always believe me and our Love is true from day one 🙂

I’m no longer the person I was. I’m clean. I’m back in school. I have a okay job and I’m happy!

There are times I’ll still find my self crying about everything that happened in my life and the things I went through. However, I don’t want to change any of it. For with out It, I  wouldn’t be the women, mother or wife that I am today. I wouldn’t of made the mistakes that helped build who I am.

There is one saying that I’ve lived by since then and it’s true.

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

This blog is all over the place if you have a question ask. Writing this is one of the hardest things I’ve done. One of the things that I’ve never been able to do. I already feel like a million things have been lifted. I needed to write it down and I couldn’t.

Now I have my Strength back and I have gained Courage.

I’m living MY life, I’m whole again, I’m “Me”

quotes-about-being-strong-84258

Pedestal of Success – The beginning of my Journey

Published February 4, 2015 by kairikainfsb3

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In life, there are obstacles we all must face from a small stride to large jumps. We think to ourselves “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why is this happening?” thoughts that follow us from birth (Yes, Birth) to now. I use to run around my grandmother’s garden stomping on all the weeds so they wouldn’t hurt her vegetables and make the garden look untidy for I thought this will help the plants to grow. Those plants in my mind had obstacles that they needed to get around, and I helped them.

I’m now an adult in my mid 20’s and like the young girl helping the plants she needs to do that again but for herself as a grown adult. For now I have a beautiful young daughter named Robin born January 24th, 2014. Robin is my world, and one of our goals is to show Robin the world and go on adventures with her. I owe my beautiful daughter for what comes next for if It weren’t for her I would not have kicked myself in the butt like I should have years ago. I pushed myself to become better than I was and become who I am not what I thought I was. I forced myself to go back to college and earn my degree in Psychology so I could help those around me with their obstacles and their challenges.

University-of-PhoenixI enrolled at the University of Phoenix Online and in as little as three weeks I’m now on my way to earning that degree and providing for my family and myself. I spoke to an amazing woman during my acceptance process and still talk to her now. She first asked me the most important question of my life, and it brought me to question my degree choice in a positive way. I originally went to be a Business women whether it was a manager, CEO or owning a business of my own thinking that it was my calling and what I was destined to do. Two years into my program something terrible in my life happened everything came to a dead stop. I had dropped out of college to care for my now ex-boyfriend and did not want to resume my degree after his recovery when my heart/mind was not in it. The question Nicole asked me was this “Do you want to start where you left off with the Business?” It may seem like a simple question and a minor one but to me it was the icing on the cake. I realized that business is not my true calling, and it wasn’t something I wanted to do it was something I chose right out of high school because I was pressured into going to college. So my answer to her was NO.

look Now I’m enrolled like I mentioned before doing something that I’m not only passionate about but something that I also enjoy doing. I’m going for my Bachelors of Science in Psychology and with this degree I will then pursue Social work and Child/Family services. I’m going to push myself when I need to be pushed, Coach myself when I need to be coached; dump a bucket of water on my head when I start thinking it’s too hard and I can’t do it. I CAN DO IT, and it MAY be hard and I MAY want to go play video games but I’m reaching my goal and gosh darn it I’m going to get to it this time! I’m going to leave that school big smile on my face and Diploma in hand. I’m going to Win this time!